The Jig is Up

I am confessing. Girls are crazy... all of them. I want everyone to know it and I want you to know that we are FULLY aware that we can be crazy and irrational. The thing is... we can't stop it. Sometimes I'll be mad at someone and I just have so much rage and I'm thinking in my head "Wow, Becky, this is completely irrational and it's dumb for you to be mad." But I can't stop it and it happens anyway.

OK, now that I got that off my chest, I am saying this here because its the closest I can come to putting it in writing and you all are my witnesses. I vow that I am going to try to be more trusting and not second guess everything that people say. I always over think EVERYTHING and always worry that the worst is going to happen.

I have known some pretty crappy people in my life and have leftover trust issues from it. I have since realized that if I can't trust certain people it's going to push them away, and that's something that I don't want.

Story Time
I was hanging out with a friend of mine the other night and I hadn't seen him since October, we've talked a little off and on but it just wasn't the same. Any time that we had any kind of interaction it was because I initiated it. So naturally I thought that he didn't want to be friends with me but I was afraid to say that to him.

Well, on Saturday night I texted him just to chit-chat and tell him that I missed our conversations and I asked him if we were still friends and he said "Of course, just because we're both busy doesn't mean we aren't friends." And then he suggested we hang out sometime this week.

When we hung out everything was great! We always have no problem talking and there are never any awkward silences and we always have a blast just being in each other's company. Well towards the end of the night after a few drinks had been consumed, I decided to be really open. I told him that it bothered me that I was always the one trying to keep in touch and it made me feel like he didn't want to talk to me or see me. I even told him straight up "Don't worry about my feelings. If you don't want to be friends, I'll get over it. Just don't string me along and pretend. I have too many fake friends and I don't need another one." <---- that's where my crazy girlness came in. I was totally overreacting.

Then we had a nice long chat about why I valued him as a friend (hes easy to talk to, I don't feel like he judges me, we have the same taste in music, he listens to me vent and gives me honest advice, we have a great time together and blah blah blah). He reassured me that it really is just because he's extremely busy with work. Which I know is true, I've been to his workplace and I know what he has to deal with, especially this time of year. He told me he really hopes that I can believe that it has nothing to do with me and that once things slow down he'd love to hang out more... plus it doesn't help that we live and hour and a half apart.

I believe him in all of this. It was hard for me to at first... just because of old habits of negativity. But when I think about it, we hung out for several hours and he pointed that out at the end of the night, he said, "If I didn't want to hang out with you, I could have made up some excuse to leave a long time ago." Plus when it came to saying goodbye he wouldn't release his bear hug grip on me and he promised me he wouldn't let it be this long before he saw me again. So all my over thinking and being crazy... is really just ME being CRAZY.

After having this talk with him, I felt bad because I always let this happen to myself. I over think everything and think something is wrong with me. It needs to stop or else I am going to annoy the crap outta the people who mean something to me and push them away for real. So I'm done. As of now, no more over reacting, over thinking or being irrational or crazy. I am really going to struggle to be trusting of people and I think if I do all that it will make me happier and definitely less stressed.

I doubt anyone read that ^ entire novel I wrote lol but as I disclaimed in my very first post... this blog was created for the purpose of venting so... vent over.

On a side note. March Madness is making me angry, the first round has completely messed up two of the three brackets I've filled out >:(